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BDSM News, AOD Updates and Announcements.

Old Guard BDSM

I learned a lot about power through my “classical” Dominatrix training. Unfortunately, a lot of it was through watching how power was misused. I trained at a ‘world renowned, old-guard, classical BDSM training chateau’. The kind that respects protocol, leather history, and hierarchies. The kind that isolates itself from other BDSM communities, the kind of place that calls itself “the best” without meaningfully engaging in other things.

I found a formalized BDSM structure and community before I even knew what BDSM stood for. It quite literally fell into my lap and gave me language for my interest in power play. Despite the ambivalence I now hold towards my old-guard BDSM upbringing, there is a reason I was drawn to it. I get a certain sexual satisfaction on structure and rules, primarily on making them. The ability to create a world that serves you and your needs is a powerful skill to hone, and an incredibly dangerous weapon if you aren’t open to accountability when your methods harm others.

“Old-Guard” BDSM of the 1950’s takes its strict protocol and aesthetics from formalized military code and biker culture. “New-Guard” BDSM evolved out of the many social and cultural changes leading into the 1980’s. But, as with most things, it isn’t really a simple binary. Most kinksters pull from kink history and from their personal history to create something that works for them, and for many others, not a lot of thoughtfulness goes into it at all.

I recently saw a tweet by Mistrix Sade which said, “I am decidedly NOT a ‘classical’ Dominatrix. And proud of that. I am an experimental one: a modern, de-constructivist sensory artist, and power exchange practitioner. Question everything, especially the ‘old school.’” I, for one, love the idea of an experimental dominatrix, the idea that we are always growing. That we are not infallible. The last few years, I’ve been thinking of my play as that of a curious scientist. Collecting data. Doing experiments. And learning.

Kink doesn’t have to look a particular way or adhere to certain structures or language. To me, kink should be expansive. It is about exploration, connection, and finding attunement with a partner. A good scene comes from engagement, communication, and a flow of energy between the top and the bottom. A good scene comes from knowing yourself and your desires and taking the time to find a partner who has similar interests. A good scene is an act of co-creation, where both the top and the bottom are engaged, empowered to share their needs and desires, and ultimately enjoying themselves.

~ Danielle Blunt

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Featured Artist Interview: Amber Amante

To kick off (and kink off) the re-start of our Featured Artist Interviews, we have an endlessly fascinating switch player and one of the newest Artists to be featured on AOD – Amber Amante! Let’s get to know her…

Amber, a huge welcome to AOD! What brought you here?
Thank you! I’m super excited to be here! I’ve been kinky in my personal life for over 8 years now, as a player, educator, and party promoter. A few months ago, AoD babe Mandie Rae suggested that I try my hand at playing professionally, and I’ve been hooked ever since!

I always love asking this question – How did you find out you were kinky?
I met this cute guy at a Halloween party, and he messaged me on AIM (AOL Instant Messenger) and asked me if I liked bondage. I had no idea what bondage was, but I said I was open to trying it after he explained what it was. I went over his house, and he tied me up with rope, and I couldn’t get enough. He would go on to introduce me to impact play and power exchange, and he eventually became the first person I ever had sex with (yes, I explored kink before I explored sex!). I got into the public kink scene in NYC 8 years ago, exclusively as a bottom, but I picked up topping once cute people with great butts started to ask me to hurt them.

I understand…butts are pretty tempting! You are a top-leaning switch now. What does that mean?
I started playing with kink as a bottom, but when I discovered topping, I fell in love with it. I still bottom in some instances and to some people, but I strongly prefer to be the person in control of the action. For me, submitting is an occasional treat whereas domination is my passion every day.

It’s often difficult to get in the mind of someone who is naturally dominant to find their submissive side, especially for new partners. So tell us, what pushes your submission buttons?
I’m really into objectification as a submissive: I want to be reduced to my usefulness. I like being given tasks or challenges to complete that will make the person dominating me happy. Maybe I’m just here to look pretty. Maybe I’m just meant to hold your drink. Maybe I’m just here to struggle and beg for your amusement.

Seems like when it’s not done well, it could be diminishing and hurtful. What tips can you give your partners to build a happy and healthy scene around you bottoming?
I think that all of my best scenes as a bottom start with a conversation about what turns me on and what makes me feel comfortable; I want to know that my partners care about me and my needs, even if the scene that we’re about to do will be more structured around their needs. I also think checking in during the scene is super helpful. Lean in, grab my hair, and growl into my ear, “Do you like that?” or “Can you take more for me?”. I’ll answer truthfully, and if I say no, you can ask me to do something else without ruining the moment. I don’t like being set up to fail. At the end of the scene, I want to know that I did a good job, and it’s really helpful when my partners tell me what they enjoyed about our scene.

You told me you are moving to Boston soon. When do you leave us?
I touch down on August 26th.

What are you excited for in Boston?
I’m most excited about meeting new people, making new friends (and getting into all sorts of trouble with those friends), and finding new dessert places! I have a wicked sweet tooth.

Do you have any fun plans for the rest of August in NYC?
The rest of August is a whirlwind of activity! I’m hosting a private kink party this weekend, going to another play party the following week, and hosting my own going away party before I move to Boston.

People new to the scene are always asking how to get into play parties. Any advice?
Yes! So much advice. If you’re between the ages of 18 and 35, check out your local TNG (that stands for The Next Generation) chapter. You can often find TNG chapters and their events on Fetlife (it’s like a kinky Facebook). TNG often has events that cater to newbies. If you’re outside of the TNG age range, I recommend joining Fetlife and searching for munches in your area. A munch is a low pressure meet-up at a restaurant where folks who are kinky (or curious about kink) can come together and chat with likeminded people. Munches are great because there’s no pressure to play because you’re in a restaurant; you really *shouldn’t* be playing there. Munches allow you to meet people who are new as well as people who are more experienced, and you can usually ask the more experienced folks what parties they recommend, and then you can get a sense of specific play parties before actually checking them out. Once you’ve heard about a play party that sounds appealing to you, you can find the entry requirements (some parties want you to register online, some parties want to get a sense of your experience with kinky spaces, some parties want you to come with a buddy, etc.) and go, go, go!

You mentioned that you are a kink educator. What topics are you especially passionate about sharing?
Sure thing! I teach sex education and fetish classes on a variety of topics, but my favorite subjects to teach are co-topping (two Dommes, 1 sub), fisting, urethral insertions, deepthroating, and strap-on play.

What’s on your kink agenda? Any scenes in the works that you are excited about?
Yes! I’m getting the chance to reconnect with one of my favorite playmates this month; she really lets me take her to dark places. I love using this altitude training mask on her; it allows me to restrict the amount of air she can take in without having to use one (or both) of my hands to cover her nose and mouth, which means I can beat her and throw her around without having to worry about her breathing more than I want her to. We also tend to do a lot of fear play: I threaten her with things that terrify her, like cattle prods and stun guns, and I delight in her (futile) attempts to flee.

In your profile, you list “fear play” as a like for Domming. Can you tell us more about that? What can a potential new partner except from you in this realm?
Just reading this question made me hungry for fear haha. For me, fear play refers to scenes in which someone allows me to play with the things that scare them. It’s very individualized because one person’s fears and phobias aren’t necessarily the same as the next person’s. When someone is interested in exploring fear play with me, I ask them what scares them (common answers include pain, electricity, being unable to breathe, and needles) and then I ask them how much I can force them to confront their fear. For example, I have a play partner who is terrified of needles. He wouldn’t let me pierce him, but he would let me hold an uncapped needle against his skin. I would get on top of him and pin him down, and hold the needle against his chest and tell him that he should be careful about struggling…he might prick himself. It was a great predicament because he was so terrified of needles that his thoughts would be consumed with getting away, but he also desperately didn’t want to get stuck by accident either.

Diabolical! That sounds like it can get pretty intense. How do you balance that out in a scene?
I’m here for visceral reactions and vulnerability. I don’t want it to feel real; I want it to BE real. Real pain, real fear, real catharsis, real laughter, real joy. Kink and BDSM offers unique opportunities for deep connection and vulnerability, and I want to take full advantage of those.

I also hear you have a particular adoration for GS play, both giving and receiving. Tell us more!
My earliest memory is of being potty trained; I remember turning around, picking up the potty and drinking from it. These days, I’m a bit more selective about drinking piss, but I adore playing with it. I love the sound of a strong stream of piss hitting a toilet or the ground or a person. I love feeling its warmth hit my skin. I love that groan of release that someone makes when they finally relieve themselves after holding it in for a while. I love covering my partners in my pee, marking them as mine in that moment. I love forcing someone to drink several bottles of water and then making them beg me to pee. I love peeing in fancy glassware and forcing someone to drink it. If I’m feeling especially mean, I’ll put it in the fridge before making them taste it. I could go on and on about this, but the “too long, didn’t read” version is that I have a lifelong love affair with watersports.

I’m sure that’s an affair other people would love to partake in! (GS lovers, take note!)
Tell us more about your hobbies outside of kink play. What do you enjoy doing in your time away from kink?
One of them is pretty obvious from my pictures: body modification. I love tattoos and piercings of all sorts, and I’m hoping to have most of my body tattooed. I’m also looking into getting a cutting/flesh removal at some point, but I haven’t decided on the design or the location just yet. In addition to putting art on my physical canvas, I’m really into making (musical) art. I’m a classically-trained musician; I’ve been playing the clarinet for 10 years now. Each year, I get a season subscription to the NY Philharmonic because listening to classical music performed live sends chills up and down my spine. On a less artistic note, I love playing the Sims (The Sims 3 is the best iteration of the game; I will fight you on that)! Maybe it’s just an extension of my desire to control people, but I love creating storylines and playing out the lives of simulated humans.

Now that’s a fun idea for a scene! A Sims Domme…haha! Have you ever thought about orchestrating and controlling a group of people just like Sims…like, dungeon Sims?
I’ve never thought about that before, but it could be hot! I like the idea of turning down the “Free Will” function on people haha (for those of you who don’t play the Sims, the amount of free will the simulation humans have is adjustable based on the player’s preferences). It seems like it might be hard in real life though because I use the pause button pretty aggressively while playing the game; it’s hard to pause people in real life!

Sign me up to be a Sims slave! ;-)

Let’s conclude on that high note! Amber, we are so excited to get to know you. I hope NYC can show you a good dose of kinkiness before you leave us for Boston! And New Englanders, please welcome her with sweets and gifts of your fear and tears. We know she’ll relish both!

Check out her Artist profile here, and email her at meetamberamante@gmail.com to set up an unforgettable scene!

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The 5 “Love Languages”

Do you know about the “5 Love Languages”?

A framework developed by marriage counselor Dr. Gary Chapman, the five love languages are a way of categorizing the way different people like to show and receive affection.

1. Words of Affirmation: Actions don’t always speak louder than words. If this is your love language, unsolicited compliments mean the world to you. Hearing the words, “I love you,” are important—hearing the reasons behind that love sends your spirits skyward. Insults can leave you shattered and are not easily forgotten.

2. Quality Time: In the vernacular of Quality Time, nothing says, “I love you,” like full, undivided attention. Being there for this type of person is critical, but really being there—with the TV off, fork and knife down, and all chores and tasks on standby—makes your significant other feel truly special and loved. Distractions, postponed dates, or the failure to listen can be especially hurtful.

3. Receiving Gifts: Don’t mistake this love language for materialism; the receiver of gifts thrives on the love, thoughtfulness, and effort behind the gift. If you speak this language, the perfect gift or gesture shows that you are known, you are cared for, and you are prized above whatever was sacrificed to bring the gift to you. A missed birthday, anniversary, or a hasty, thoughtless gift would be disastrous—so would the absence of everyday gestures.

4. Acts of Service: Can vacuuming the floors really be an expression of love? Absolutely! Anything you do to ease the burden of responsibilities weighing on an “Acts of Service” person will speak volumes. The words he or she most wants to hear: “Let me do that for you.” Laziness, broken commitments, and making more work for them tell speakers of this language their feelings don’t matter.

5. Physical Touch: This language isn’t all about the bedroom. A person whose primary language is Physical Touch is, not surprisingly, very touchy. Hugs, pats on the back, holding hands, and thoughtful touches on the arm, shoulder, or face—they can all be ways to show excitement, concern, care, and love. Physical presence and accessibility are crucial, while neglect or abuse can be unforgivable and destructive.

 

The descriptions to the right are taken from an interview with Dr. Chapman that you can read here.

 

 

Why am I bringing this up?

Yesterday I had a tattoo appointment. My artist & I both love cooking, and he made us dinner while he worked on me. I felt so appreciated and cared for enjoying the meal he made for us after an intense tattoo session & realized cooking is a huge aspect of my love language!

My love language is a combo mostly of ‘acts of service’ with a little bit of ‘gift giving’, really – both giving & receiving.  This doesn’t mean the other ways of showing affection mean nothing to me – I’m also super into touch & quality time, and of course like hearing words of affirmation!

However, acts of service are the most natural feeling way for me to feel appreciated or show that I care. If you’ve ever had my cooking, you know.

So… it’s all a little pop psychology-y… but I think important and useful info can definitely be gleaned from this way of looking at things.

I’ve found learning about each language an incredibly useful way to learn how to show affection with each of my partners, friends, lovers and clients in a way that feels natural and meaningful to them.

For example – my partner of several years. Her love language is physical touch! I can get a little wrapped up in the cerebral side of things, forget I’m on planet Earth, etc. (if you want to get into more pop-psychology-but-maybe-there’s-actually-something-to-it you can blame the Libra in me) – and I had to put a lot of intention into learning to ground myself and engage in physical touch with her during every day activities like talking, cooking, shopping, etc…. not just while cuddling or having sex or sleeping next to each other.

Or, take one of my submissive playmates, whose language is ‘words of affirmation’. Hearing “you’re a good boy”, or “good job!” or “thank you, you’ve been so helpful” (that’s us getting both our itches scratched at the same time!) – is what makes him feel the warmest and fuzziest and most appreciated.

Being able to put a name to these different ways of showing affection has vastly improved my communication in different relationships, and in turn, the relationships themselves. We’ll all of course have our native language, but there’s something to be said for all the opportunities of communication opened by being polylingual!

 

 

~Robin Ardeur

 

 

 

 

 

 

To book Robin, check out her Artist profile!

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COMMUNICATION IS SEXY: MOANS, GROANS, AND FEEDBACK

Communication is the introduction to every fulfilling encounter. I begin our interaction with email because it gives us both a chance to compose our thoughts, without the pressure of time imposed on every word. (Plus, candidly: I’m a Millenial and talking on the phone stresses me out. We don’t call each other unless something is gravely wrong!)

Far from being impersonal, the written word is a reminder of handwritten notes of devotion from days gone by… It’s an important way of getting to know each other and builds the framework of how we’ll communicate when we meet. Our first, digital interactions are a sweet aphrodisiac.

When we meet in the flesh, that communication is renewed. Though we may feel the urge to tear each other’s clothes off, we take a breath, a few moments. We introduce ourselves; it may feel like we already know each other. Maybe it feels like we’re perfect strangers. Both are jolts of excitement. Either way, we’ll have already chatted about some of what will happen… but we aren’t sure how exactly the dice will fall, especially when we’re exploring a new experience.

This is why ongoing communication is so necessary and so sexy among play partners, whether we are well known to each other or experiencing the new buddings of desire.

I want to know how you feel. I want to know what you’re deeply enjoying, what’s pleasant, and what might not be working for you. Everyone is different, and I don’t assume that you’ll enjoy every single thing that we explore. I want to find what drives you. This is why every kind of feedback begets greater intimacy.

My intention is to give you the confidence to communication with me freely, to let me know where you are, how you’re feeling. For me, that’s the greatest pleasure of having another creature with you in your moment of pleasure: we get to talk, laugh, flirt, and tell one another how it’s all feeling.

So, why are we all so quiet? Trust me, it isn’t just you.

I was recently speaking with my cohort Charli Gallo regarding the subject of quiet sex. I said it was a habit I had to unlearn as an adult, and she confirmed my experience. …and how many play parties, orgies, and naked birthday parties have we been to together?! It clearly isn’t a matter of experience that taught us to be so tongue-tied.

I suspect many of us have similar roots in our learned habit of sexual self-censorship.

In our first experiences of masturbation, it is very likely there was someone sharing the room, or close by down the hall. Lacking privacy, we bit pillows, our hands, hid beneath the blankets to find our solitude. As we grew older, we locked ourselves in bathrooms and locker room stalls to find a few peaceful moments of quiet during puberty. Old habits die hard.

If you were raised religious, like I was, or as a woman, like I was, those things add additional layers of shame and the drive to conceal your desire and the pursuit of pleasure to the mix.

I know where I learned to hide my voice.

Summer camp. Funny how our shared fantasies grow from realities. I bunked in a cabin in the woods of Maine with six girls and our counselor. I couldn’t spend six weeks keeping my hands to myself every night, so I learned how to be quiet.

I separated pleasure from sound, touch from expression. It took me me years to begin to unravel this teenage habit.

Now, I take great pleasure in hearing myself gasp, growl, yelp with enjoyment, no less than in telling my partner to move their head or their hand to give me greater pleasure. It turns me on to hear you turned on.

If this is an experience you relate to, know that I don’t expect you to unlearn it on your own.

What I want you to know is my desire to hear from you – in your affect, your sighing, your moaning, the way your body responds. I want to create a space where you can experience your body, our bodies, and the great pleasures we have to offer each other without worry or shame.

Robin Ardeur
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Featured Artist Interview: Josephine Barre

After a long hiatus, we are finally back and ready to delve deep into the minds of our much-adored Artists! Here, we’ll share our thoughts full of insight, anecdotes, mischief, and of course, lots of kink! In the first Featured Artist interview of 2016, let’s learn more about one of my favorite people in the world. Not only is she a brilliant switch and educator that I often describe as “seduction incarnate,” “both kittenish and tigress,” and “deliciously deviant,” she is one of the kindest, sweetest, most generous people I know. Personally and professionally, my admiration of Switch Josephine knows no bounds.

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Miss Erin Black - Chicago’s full figured fetish companion and Mistress

“The ever-elusive lady client: how I’m making myself more accessible to them!” – Erin Black

The first time I ever encountered a woman client was about two years ago. She needed parts of herself fulfilled that she wasn’t getting through her marriage to a man. She identified herself as bisexual, and wanted to be dominated by a woman. I jumped at the chance; I absolutely love being with women, and it’s a rare chance when they’re also into being dominated.

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Miss Erin Black - Chicago’s full figured fetish companion and Mistress

“Incall location redux” – Erin Black

I’ve been offering incalls at 3 different locations for a while now. I have my own personal location in Lincoln Square, and this is by far my favorite space to work out of. It’s decorated to my unique tastes, and it’s where all of my toys, implements, and equipment live. Just about anything we could possibly want is here in this space, and this is the space that my standard rates are set for.

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“A note about body rub options” – Erin Black

When on tour, I’ve decided to start offering body rubs. I understand that when I’m entering a new market where folks aren’t familiar with me, it’s never a bad idea to give them an idea of what an encounter with me might be like. A massage option is perfect for those curious about my particular vibe but don’t want to go HAM right out of the gate. ;)

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Miss Erin Black - Chicago’s full figured fetish companion and Mistress

“What is kinky companionship, exactly?” – Erin Black

Many of you have found your way to me because you’re looking to expand your sexual horizons, or you already have tastes that are epicurean. You’ve definitely come to the right place; I absolutely adore catering to fetishists, bdsm players, and more! I should note that all Kinky Companionship sessions can include the sensual activities mentioned in the Romantic Rendezvous entry, which can be found here!

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